Author Topic: Jokes  (Read 3529 times)

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Jokes
« on: November 11, 2011, 08:40:55 AM »
There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish.

He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale."

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish.

The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."

The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.

His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."

The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.

His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the F$%$#$%% potatoes!"
bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #1 on: November 11, 2011, 08:51:34 AM »
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 100?


Your Honor.



What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50

Senator.

bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #2 on: November 11, 2011, 08:53:36 AM »
What does a lawyer get when you give him Viagra?


Taller


bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2011, 08:57:39 AM »
How many law professors does it take to change a light bulb?


Hell, you need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #4 on: November 11, 2011, 09:10:03 AM »
An Englishman, a Welshman and an Arabian are sitting in a bar.
The Englishman says, "I've got ten children, one more and I'll have a football team."

The Welshman says, "I've got fourteen children, one more and I'll have a rugby team."

The Arabian says, "I've got seventeen wives, one more and I'll have a golf course."
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #5 on: November 11, 2011, 09:14:15 AM »
Bet With Caution
  One day a drunk man told the bartender, "I'll bet you $100 that I can bite my right eye." The bartender grinned and said, "Okay, you drunk." The drunk pulled out his right fake eye and bit it. After more drinks the drunk said, "I bet you $200 I can bite my left eye." The bartender knew it could not be fake, so he said, "Okay." The drunk pulled out his dentures and bit his left eye. The bartender, by now was really mad. After a few more drinks, the drunk said, "I'll bet you $500 that if you slide a shot glass down the bar, I can hop on each stool and pee in it without getting a drop on your bar." The bartender knew he could not do it so he said okay. The bartender slid the shot glass as fast as he could. The drunk jumped on stools and peed all over the bar.

The bartender jumped up and screamed in joy because he won $500. In the back he heard, a man yelling in frustration.

He asked the man why. The man replied,

"That drunk fool bet me $1000 that he can pee on your bar and you would be happy about it!"
bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #6 on: December 04, 2011, 04:23:22 PM »
 bet you have never seen a plumber bite his nails.
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #7 on: December 04, 2011, 04:24:38 PM »
A doctor has some trouble with the kitchen sink, on a public holiday. He calls the local plumber, only to be told that it's his day off.

"But I get called out on my days off, too!" says the doctor, somewhat exasperated." So, the plumber relents.

The plumber arrives, and glances over the sink, looking preoccupied. He mumbles something about golf, then hands the doctor a couple of aspirin and walks out, saying, "Put these in. If it doesn't clear up in 24 hours, call me tomorrow."

bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #8 on: December 04, 2011, 04:26:36 PM »
A brunette says to a blonde "Look! A dead bird!" and the blonde looks up and says "Where?"
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #9 on: December 04, 2011, 04:28:29 PM »
A man walks into a doctors office one day, completely naked, and covered in saran wrap. He goes to the doctor, and the doctor does some tests, and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

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Re: Jokes
« Reply #10 on: December 04, 2011, 04:33:25 PM »
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled
himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"

" No," he replied, "arthritis."
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #11 on: December 04, 2011, 04:38:31 PM »
Husband says; "When I'm gone you'll never find another man like me".
 Wife replied; "What makes you think I'd want another man like you!"
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #12 on: December 04, 2011, 04:39:22 PM »
"Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud." "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #13 on: December 04, 2011, 04:41:00 PM »
HUSBAND: Shall we try a different position tonight? :o
 WIFE: That's a good idea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart. ;D
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Re: Jokes
« Reply #14 on: December 04, 2011, 04:42:49 PM »
Two Muffins were baking in an oven. One muffin turns to the other and says, "Holy Shit it's hot in here!" The other muffin says, "Holy Shit... A talking muffin!"
bumbling, dimwitted, accident-prone crewman (affectionately known as "Little Buddy" by "The Skipper") of the S.S. Minnow.